Perpetual emptiness

I have a struggle with what I call 'perpetual emptiness'. It's that feeling that you are truly dead inside. That nothing really matters, not even life itself. To have such feelings you no longer feel the joy of life and living basically turns to an unwanted sort of chore. It would be difficult to describe this to someone who has never felt it. Professionals probably call it 'Depression' but I think there is more to it than that. Feeling the way that I sometimes do, I can understand why some people decide to commit suicide. Although I, myself, would never even think of doing anything like that. Others who feel similar as myself probably have forgotten the joys life is supposed to bring with it and instead feel nothing but sorrow. In that state, it seems that nothing can bring you out of it. Not even a strong desire to free yourself from it. After all, who really wants to live like that? I have had this struggle for most of my life and even to this day I don't know of any permanent solution to it. The only answer I keep giving myself is to try to continue on with life, even if it is only to see even more 'perpetual emptiness'.

Inevitable Madness

"We all go a little MAD sometimes" Who could forget the famous quote from the character Norman bates from the film 'Psycho'? I think there is more validity to that statement than some might think. With people being the way that they are and life being usually chaotic, madness should be pretty ordinary. I actually have a lot of experience in dealing with the subject at hand. I worked in a mental institution for three years. Prior to working there I had no experience in such a place, so you can just imagine how much of a shock it was to me. After spending three years in such a place, you really start to ask the question "Is there really that much of a difference between madness and normalcy?" Even to this day I don't know if I can answer that. A lot of the patients I saw actually had normal lives before they were subjected to some kind of terrible trauma. When you look at that fact rather closely, you can see that anyone and everyone can be subject to insanity. It all depends on your circumstances. Life can be fragile. Even the slightest sort of negative happening can alter it forever. Considering how weak psychologically most people are, there is good chance that they will never recover from any sort of true trauma. It is because of this fact, that I myself have adopted the philosophy "Madness is Bliss"

What is Greatness?

What truly is greatness? I ask myself this very question on a consistent basis. Is it monetary success? Having people admire your work? Or is it something that is within you that only you can feel? Everyone probably has a different view of it, as everyone sees or senses it through different things. Being a writer, I only apply how I see it through literature. I believe the only people that have achieved greatness in this field have long since passed. And while I see several people trying to achieve it today, they just don't have the magic those of long ago possessed. Today I think writers are solely interested in fame and fortune and not substance at all. You can easily observe this fact when reading any of their work. It is based on the 'selling' formula, if you will, that everyone has been force fed for years. Sure, they might sell a lot of books. They might even get themselves an interview on a popular talk show. But, they are losing the true essence of being a writer which is to create something interesting and thought provoking. To 'move' someone with their words. The greats of the past could easily accomplish this feat. The writers of today are a lot of things, but not for one second would I call them 'Great'!

Why love?

The concept of love is one I have had to struggle with my entire life. I guess every true freak feels the same way, and with good reason. For most of us, love is nothing more than a hopeless ideology. A well-intentioned fantasy. I learned at a young age that people could be cruel, especially the ones that are supposed to be most loving(i.e Family). And that terrible truth holds just as much truth to this very day as it did back then. It's not that I think that love doesn't exist, Of course it does. I just think that it definitely is not the way we think it is. I think it is a privilege of very few. You know, those seemingly happy couples that we've all passed from time to time. If your not one of them, you must get used to the pain and humility of rejection and indifference. Most of us cannot endure such a thing. I have seen many people tolerate abuse like you could not believe because they were terrified of being alone. And what do you think makes them feel such fear? Aside from the basic insecurities we all feel, I think it's fear of feeling like they were inferior. The feeling of being like a freak! When I was young I used to feel it too. When enough time passed that fear and self-loathing turned into a kind of dignity, believe it or not. Now, it doesn't even bother me. A thousand rejections or humiliations wouldn't even matter. I find solace in being a freak. A solace that normal people couldn't imagine!

Being satisfactory

If someone would have told me how long I would be working trying to get myself established as a writer, I would have definitely been shocked, but, I don't think it would have made much of a difference. You know the familiar phrase 'The joy is in the journey, not the destination', I guess that holds true for me. I have had many memorable moments writing my stories. And, I have been writing them now for almost a decade. Writing for as long as I have, I have given myself a sort of standard, if you will. A standard that I feel separates me from the rest of the writing world. You know, if you are a writer that is, if your work is satisfactory or not. And if it is not, then it is time to take a look at any outside influences that may be affecting you. Luckily for me, my work has always been more than satisfactory and the day that I feel otherwise, I will probably quit.

Trying not to please everyone

I have a natural persona that tends to give most people the creeps, especially women!
But, if you think I feel the slightest inch of shame for being the way that I am, think again! I don't really feel it's my problem to act as natural as everyone does, I just have to remind myself that I am not like everyone else and believe me , I am thankful for that! I usually have to remind myself that most people are indeed superficial and fake. So, when I act like myself(which basically means not at all caring for the dogmatic structures of society) I tend to offend most. Which, believe it or not, is not my true intention at all. I have learned in this life with people being the way that they are, that you are going to offend them or rub them the wrong way no matter what you do. You definitely cannot please all of them so why bother trying? I find it quite humorous when people try to meet one another through dating. They usually act like someone they are totally not just to impress someone who probably dislikes them anyway. Most of them have to learn that terrible fact the hard way! It is much better to just be yourself regardless of the consequences. In truth, I wouldn't change one thing about myself. The more people dislike me, the better. It simply enforces my beliefs even more so

The Dream Job

I think the dream job to have would be to be paid to travel to haunted sites and to write about what you experience there. Although I'm sure that most sites that claim to be haunted are indeed a farce, I'm also pretty sure that there are more than a few extraordinary cases that are in need of documentation. I think the most truly haunted places are not even known by the public and it is these places that I am interested in. Places with an often gory past and have phenomenon happen on a regular basis. To spend a night in such a place would be simply divine! At least for me. If you are lucky enough to feel the presence of a ghost, whether good or evil, it is a experience that you will carry with you your entire life. How wonderful!
Working in a graveyard or a mortuary would also be nice, but I'd prefer the former. So much more to see and feel!

A question of fate

The thought of the concept of fate is enough to keep anyone awake at night. It is the concept that no matter what sort of steps you take in life, the outcome is predetermined. so, in essence, if you try your hardest to be something positive, productive, and successful and your meant to be nothing but mediocre then that will be your end result. I have mixed feelings for such a concept. I feel that any situation can be influenced and altered depending on the character and grit of the individual facing it. But, when I take a hard and unbiased look at countless stories that tell me otherwise, it truly does make me think. If it is indeed true that all of our lives have with them some sort of prearranged pattern if you will, then where does that pattern include the factors of choice, cause and effect, and otherwise? I guess I will never know. Fate itself leaves a lot of room open for similar questions. And we must ask them. For because of fate not everyone is meant to experience the finer things in life and if there are ways to circumvent fate and actually experience anything that we desire, It would be nice to find out about them. Before I die, I hope I discover exactly that.

Reasons for writing

If you take a look at many of the great Gothic or horror writers from the very-distant past, you will see that almost all of them were plagued by inner demons. It's sad to say that many were drug addicts or alcoholics, and more than a few of them committed suicide. The vast majority died penniless and obscure. These circumstances might explain why, in fact, they chose to write horror in the first place. They probably didn't know anything in life except horror. It encompassed the whole of their lives. Writing was probably their only escape. I, myself, write for different reasons. While I've had my share of depression and sadness, I write horror because I enjoy it. One thing I've noticed from the greats, is that although they are remembered for creating classics(and they should be, of course) They all have a limited number of creations. Edgar Allen Poe, for example, was more a poet than a story-teller. He only wrote roughly 30 short stories. And of those 30, little more than half of them are actually authentic horror. He was equally interested in writing detective novels and pseudo-comedies. H.P. Lovecraft was also interested in writing science fiction. I tend to stick to writing solely about horror because it is the only genre that truly gets my attention and keeps it. I don't think I'm going to experiment with writing about any other genres.

Loneliness

I think that loneliness is something that every person feels every once in a while. Some more than others. When I see people who go out of their way to be different or to make some sort of statement, I just see them as being very lonely. In a way, loneliness is a sort of disease because the damage it can do is irreparable. I, myself have accepted the fact that, for the most part, I'm going to be alone in this life. The pain that I feel, the trauma that I have faced in my life, and every experience that has made me unique, I have been through alone. The real question is whether or not it is beneficial to be alone. I have seen several people who I considered a 'malnourished soul', and it is probably from loneliness that they become that way. As messed up as it is, the human race is supposedly meant for consistent contact. It is this need for constant contact where we get our preconceptions about love, something I don't know if I believe in by the way. It seems as though people lose their humanity when they break away from what they are generally wired to feel. I don't know. What I do know is that the blind definitely cannot lead the blind, and when you realize that the chances of people sincerely loving and accepting you are next to nil you can then accept a very callous yet easy to understand reality. As wired as people are supposed to be towards affection and compassion for their fellow human beings, they most definitely are not. It is because of this sad fact that most of them spend most of their lives feeling completely alone. Coming to grips with that can be difficult, but I'm pretty sure that I have. I was brought in to this world alone and I am going to leave it the same way.

Serious or not?

In my life, I have seen several people talk and act as though they were serious about accomplishing a goal, any goal. But, when it came right down to it, they nothing more than empty words. I personally believe that if your not willing to go to any lengths to succeed at what you set out to do in life than you have no business talking about it at all. Even to this day I still see people talk about this or that, and put plenty of wiry emotion into what they are saying, but the results they achieve are next to nothing. And these same people, who always make excuses about why they never get anything(and I mean anything!)done always have ample time it seems to waste abusing substances, watching extraordinary hours of television, chatting online or playing video games. Such people make me laugh.
If your truly serious about something, you will find the means to make what it is that you want happen. When it comes to writers, I have heard every excuse in the world. "I can't afford the publishing fees." "No one wants to read my work." "I don't have the time to fit everything into my schedule." and so on. Excuses don't get anyone anywhere. If you are truly serious, you will find a way. I, myself, am still having trouble marketing my work, but I still press on knowing that that I got myself this far, and I will get myself to the final destination, success!